The Great Christmas Record Odyssey (2025)

So, yet again, we have ourselves hereanotherdollar binfind from the local record store, and, as usual, I was drawn to the album cover.Pamela Wilsonisn't the sort of 'artist' I'm familiar with, but on account of the album cover - which features what might be theugliestcollection ofChristmas ornamentsever assembled and photographed by man - this was an inevitable purchase.

She strangledsealswith her bare hands to get that coat.

Ornaments aside, the center focal point on said cover is Pam herself, all wrapped up in furs that, based on the joyless, dead look in her eyes, were probably skinned off the animals while they were still alive, trying to protect their young. Pam kinda looks like the sort ofKarenwho would tear into a 16-year-old, minimum-wage supermarket employee on her way home from church (becauseof courseshe's a church-going 'Christian') because she can't find diced tomatoes in a 32 oz can.

So, musically, the arrangements here - the instrumentation and backing vocals - sound like they should be played in a 1960s department store. The levels are decent, the arrangements - if not a bit too hokey for my liking - are produced well. This is classy, elevator music that one could shop to without being offended by, say, upbeat tempos, jazzy chord progressions, or any of that sorta thing.

Well, that depends. Do you thinkArielfrom Disney'sThe Little Mermaidcan sing? How aboutSnow White?

Guys, ifthat'syour jam, you're absolutely gonnalovethis one.

Pam's voice sounds like she should be either frolicking with animated forest animals, or else trying to steal bloody teeth from underneath kids' pillows while they're asleep and replacing it with small bills. It'ssohigh pitched and filled with vibrato that it's hardnotto envision her floating about the studio in a sparkling, pink tutu bedazzled in glitter, waving about a wand of some kind.

A pretty reliable track listing from Pamela and the rest of theLollipop Guild.

Everybody likes alittlesugarhere and there, right? Scoop of ice cream, can of pop, a cookie, whatever your weakness is? Now imagine being forced to wolf down anentire bowl of straight sugarin a single sitting. With aspoon.

That'swhat listening to Pam is like.

From Our House to Yours. . .

Like theother daywhen I was complaining about an entire album's worth ofbaritone singingon a Christmas record- that's right, I'm talkin' aboutyou,Jim Nabors, you ridiculous bastard - an entire album ofsopranosinging is equally abrasive. Even though the track listing on this release falls well within the 'safety zone' for a Holiday release, listening to the squeaky, peppiness of Pam f***ing Wilson for two whole sides makes one's teeth ache after awhile.

For Christ's sake, I feel like I've been reviewingcartoonrecords this last week, what the actual f***. . .

atDecember 08, 2024

Labels:Christmas,Christmas Is,Christmas Ornaments,Christmas Records,Disney Princess,Holiday vinyl,Holidays,Jim Nabors,Karen,Pamela Wilson,Soprano

So here's another prime example of Yours Truly picking up an album out ofRadio Wasteland'sDollar Binsolely due to the shitty album cover.

An assortment oforphanssinging for table scraps, out in the cold, while the warmth of a festive Christmas party (one can only assume) can be seen shining through a nearby window. One of the kids is holding a battered, old book far too thick to be aHymnalof Christmas carols, and even if it was he apparently doesn't need to read it while singing. Being an orphan, he probably can't read anyway. Two of these kids are so hungry they can't even keep their eyes open, they probably don't live through the night.

Greatalbum cover, guys.

This is anoldrecord. You can tell because the mixing on this album is pure dog shit. The audio levels are all far too quiet and the surface noise is atrocious, even after a thorough cleaning on mySpin Clean. 'High Fidelity' my ass.

The choir itself is fine for what it is. It sounds like a church choir, like what you'd see in a large, more upscale church. Like aCatholicChurch. Where there's high vaulted ceilings and a crap-ton of candles standing about. Depressing statues posed in nearby wall niches, rich mahogany pews, giant stained-glass windows, a bunch of pervy, bald men having 'mischievous secrets' with unsuspecting children in hidden anterooms.

Notlike one of those 1970s brick-and linoleum congregational churches with faded carpet and shitty coffee that looks like a doctor's office and smells of old people and dust.

There's not much to comment on this one, I apologize - this is gonna be a quick and easy review. Each of these tracks consists of a medley of standard, religious (and, ifnotreligious, at least somber) carols that blend together well and, for the most part, are all familiar to the casual Christmas music listener. This helps because if they included 'original' Holiday songs, this album would be really,reallyweird. What kinda stuffy church would have the audacity to have their choir singoriginalnumbers during the Christmas season?

No surprises here, all safe choices.

I can't think of a pressing need for an album such as this. If you're relaxing at home, listening to Christmas music, would youreallywant to be listening to a choir album? I mean,really? This is ana capellachoir album, too - there'szeromusic in the backgroundanywhere. Just a bunch of people, standing around a collection of microphones, singing church songs. If that's your idea of a good time, by all means, you do you - you might thoroughly enjoy this album.

ButIsure as shit don't wanna hang out with you.

atDecember 06, 2024

Labels:a capella,Catholics,Choir,Christmas,Christmas Hymns and Carols,Christmas Records,Church,Holiday vinyl,Holidays,orphans,Robert Shaw Chorale

HappySnow Day, America.

With school called off this morning due to slick roads and a few of inches of early-season snow (for the 2020's, at least), I decided to scrutinize one of my dollar finds from the bargain bin atRadio Wasteland.

IknowI've heard thisJim Naborsguy before on a compilation somewhere, and Ivaguelyremember thinking he was a comically bad singer, but I hadnoidea just how terrible this piece of shit was until I dropped the needle on this Holiday release.

Thisguy sings like an orc.

In the same vein as the infamousTennessee Ernie Ford, Jim Nabors is a hot frickin' mess of abaritone singer. Baritone singers shouldnotsing like tenors, they just. . . shouldn't. You can most certainly write songs for deeper-voiced singers, but notallsongs should be done for people this low on the audio spectrum. And that goes for like90%of Christmas jams.

I don't care how many albums this guy sold back in the day, I don't care that he was a regular in Vegas and on shitty '60s variety shows. I don't. You know, alotof Americans were exposed toleadandasbestosin the '40s - '60s, so there's a wholeswathof the population who developed mental deficiencies severe enough to warrant purchasing this asshole's music.

Peoplealsogot swept in all of Hitler's crap back in the '30s and 40's, look where it got us.

Anyway, ol' Jim here decides to record a Holiday album. Why not, that's all the rage back in the day. He selects a handful of -surprise, surprise -religious Christmas carols, which I suppose we could consider a blessing because if I had to listen to this guy sing children's Christmas carols like 'Up on the Rooftop,' 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town,' etc. I might just take my own life.

From Jim's Home (theTower of Barad'dur, most likely) to Yours. . .

The only song thatsort ofworks with a voice this low is 'O Holy Night,' as the music works with a lower-register voice like Jimmy's here. Even 'O Come, All Ye Faithful'- which is usually a thunderous carol, about the closest thing to an 'anthem' you can get for a Holiday song - soundsridiculouswith this guy singing over it.

He dials it up to '11' every time he gets behind the mic, and it's just straight-up jarring. There'snoway people could listen to this in the comfort of their own shag-carpeted homes back in the day and enjoy this without being half-tanked. 'Jingle Bells,' a light-hearted Christmas song, must have been a forced march for the studio engineers to record - like most of the songs on this album, it's well-mixed and competently produced, but then Jim lays down the vocal track and torpedoes all their hard work. Case in point: one shouldnever'belt out' 'Silent Night.' That'sChristmas Music 101. That's a somber song, there's no need to shout it from the rafters.

This whole album is like when someone spends hours and hours working on one of those competitive baking TV shows only to sneeze all over the damn thing while putting the finishing touches on the frosting.

atDecember 05, 2024

Labels:baritone,Christmas,Christmas Album,Christmas Records,Holiday vinyl,Holidays,Jim Nabors,Mordor,orc,Rankin Bass,The Hobbit,Vinyl

Guys, this was a frivolous purchase for Yours Truly. I'vealreadyreviewed a Sinatra Christmas album (Episode 49,12/14/18), which scored a '9' easily because, well, it's Frank f***ing Sinatra and he's basically what I imagine God would sound like if God could sing.

(I mean, I'm sure Godcansing, but like he probably doesn't really do so very often - why would heneedto?)

Anyway, this2-LPalbum is basically a collection of Sinatra's best known and best-selling Christmas music. The previous Sinatra album I reviewed -A Jolly Christmas- was a twelve-song burst of Yuletide awesomeness, with almost non-existent filler material to speak of.Thisrelease expands the track list totwentysongs, spread out over four sides of heavy,180-gramvinyl that plays quiet and flawlessly. I was pissed when I first became aware of this album's existence, because I knew that even though I already owned like many of the songs (which can also be found onA Jolly Christmas), I had to have those remaining tracks.

I think the easiest way to handle this release is by taking a look at those Holiday songs on here that arenoton the other one, otherwise I'm just re-reviewing all the same shit I've already done before. That being said, let's take a look at the new tracks to check out:

Side 1

Track 1:'White Christmas'

This is a great song. Not as great asBing'sclassic version (theversion, if we're being honest here), because I think Sinatra kinda hovers between 'swinging' Sinatra and 'crooning' Sinatra and doesn't know which version of himself to commit to. Preferably, considering how Bing's already locked up the 'crooning' angle with his version, it would've been bad-ass to hear Sinatra come out swinging (like he does on 'Jingle Bells,' for example.)

Side 2

Track 4:'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' Okay,herewe get swinging Sinatra. Dude sounds fired up with just enough scotch to get him feisty, but not to the point where it effects his speech or singing. You can practically here the cigarette smoke billowing over the microphone. This may be thebestversion of this song I'veever heard.

Side 3

Track 1:'An Old Fashioned Christmas.' This one wasn't my favorite. Frank sounds great, but it'sreallyslow and the arrangement isn't the best - it's too sappy and his voice doesn't match the overly-sentimental tone of the music. I've never heard this song before, it's not what you would consider a 'Holiday staple' by any means, so, you know. . .thatdoesn't help.

Track 2:'I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.' Another slow one, but Frankdoesknow to deliver on this one. On the previous track, it was more than obvious he was reading off a lyrics sheet. With this one, he belts it out as if he clearly knowseveryword to it already. And that translates, folks.

Track 3:'The Little Drummer Boy.' A solid version of this song, done in the same vein as the famous Harry Simeone Chorale. Not as great as that version, but still - no complaints whatsoever.See:'White Christmas' above.

Track 4: 'Whatever Happened to Christmas.' This was clearly recorded later on in his career. The track is bloated and over-the-top, but Frank sounds tired and run down. He's still got the voice, but man. . . it'sexhausted. Again, this song suffers from the voice and music not necessarily pairing up well, and it doesn't help that this isn't a familiar favorite you can draw upon for reference.

Track 5: 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' Wanna hear Frank (barely) sing this long-ass, repetitive Holiday song with his kids ? What about switched up lyrics? Because I don't. Theytryand sweeten the deal with a collection of backup singers that sound as if they just walked off the set of aTim Burtonmovie, but that just ends up making matters worse. This is probably the worst song on this entire album.

Side 4

Track 1:'The Bells of Christmas/Greensleeves.' So here's another one with Frank bringing his kids back into the recording studio, along with the Tim Burton backup singers. They made up some lyrics to the tune of 'Greensleeves' and called it good. It's not. If it was only Frank, and the arrangement wasn't soooo dramatic, it'd be far better.

Track 2:'I Wouldn't Trade Christmas.'What is happening?? Anotheronewith his f***ing kids?! He has aRat Pack, for Christ's sake - tap into those guys. This song is a transparent move on his part to elevate the star status of his coattail-riding brats, and I'm not about this in the slightest.

Track 3:'A Baby Just Like You.' Well, at leastthisone wasn't recorded onBring Your Kids to Workday. This is a much later addition to his catalog, recorded about five years before I was born. You can tell, because Frank sounds half dead. He can still sing better than most mortal men, but Jesus - comparing this to some of the bangers on the first record is just cruel.

Track 4:'Christmas Memories.' Another tired effort from '75. This song -andthe one that preceded it aren't recognizable carols,nordo they have the charm, spark, whatever-you-want-to-call-it to be new Holiday favorites. These are just tired ass songs being sung by someone's grandfather (who probably gets laidwaaaaaymore than they do.) The backup singers sound as if they're singing a jingle from a shitty, old commercial off your local NBC affiliate channel back in the '70s. Kinda makes me want to go out and buy someShake n' Vac.

So there you have it, gang. Thiswasn'tthe direction in which I was anticipating this album going but. . . here we are. The first record is practicallyflawless, so it'd be hard giving that anything below a '9.' The second record, though -damn. For me, that one's closer to a '5' or a '6,' so I think for this release, it's only fair to average the two together and cut our losses.

(I'm sorry Frank, I truly am.)

atDecember 03, 2024

Labels:Big Band,Bing,Bring Your Kids to Work Day,Christmas,Christmas Records,Crooning,Holiday vinyl,Holidays,jazz,Sinatra,Sinatra Kids,standards,swinging

I've reviewed my fair share of blase 'Bell & Chimes' Holiday records over the years, as well as the alternative (andslightlybetter) 'Chimes & Organ.' There's a crap-load of that stuff out there to choose from, it wasdefinitelyall the rage back in the'50sconsidering how much of it you come across in your local thrift store (or record store dollar bin.)

I assumed, when I first spotted this one, that it would sound similar to the previous records I've reviewed on here; I mean, it has 'bells' on the title, the track listing is similar, the artwork just as tired and lame. On other 'bells'-related albums, one can expect hand bells of varying size, usually performed by a 'band' (for lack of better term) of people ringing different bells at designated times in order to create an easily-discernible Christmas melody.

Kris' old church downtown has a bell 'team' (or band, whatever), in fact: they line up in a row in front of a cloth-covered table, upon which arrayed out like medieval torture devices are bells of different sizes ('cause the bigger bells make lower-pitched sounds, etc.) They're then conducted by some old bag of a woman who definitely acts as if she's conducting theLondon Symphony Orchestra, and the results are what you'd expect.

This album, believe it or not, doesnotsound anything like the previous Bell/Chime/Organ albums I've reviewed in the past.

This album sounds like adoorbell.

The ol' Holiday message on the back of the cover. Don't believe any of it.

I wish I was kidding, but that's like the most accurate way I can possibly describe it. Well, maybe a room filled withmultipledoorbells, all simultaneously going off at the same time. Now, you might be thinking to yourself,"Ope, here we go - Brian's over-exaggerating for entertainment's sake again. . ."but I shit you not, America - when I started playing this album on my turntable,bothmy dogs started to lose their shit in the living room. They thought someone was at our door.

Seriously.

So let's take a step back and analyze the nuts and bolts of this real quick. There's not much to find fault with with a track list of familiar Christmas songs, and the recording quality itself isn'thorrible(it's a 70-year-old record, we'll cut it some slack.) The 'attraction' of this album was how they hooked up hundreds and hundreds of tons of cast-metal bells to an electronic organ (not even joking), so that when some asshole namedRobert(a so-called 'Carillonneur,' mind you) plays a Christmas song on said keyboard, it strikes all these heavy-ass bells.

Goddamn it, Robert - you frickin' ruined doorbells for me.

With the lighter, higher-pitched bells, this could have been stomached in moderation, but when all you're doing is ringing super loud-ass bells non-stop, it gets old real fast. Like,ten secondsis too much. Robert, bells areaccentinstruments, used for emphasis or atmosphere (quietly, in the background). Unless you're announcing the hour of the day, calling people to prayer, or alerting people that there's someone at their door, wedon'tneed bells in our day-to-day lives. And we certainly don't need bells this frequently in Christmas music.

Imagine hearing acrash cymbalin a song. Totally great once and awhile, foremphasispurposes.

Now imagine a song where it's nothing but repeated crash cymbals,from start to finish.

That's what this album is like.

atNovember 27, 2024

Here we got with yet another dollar bin find fromRadio Wasteland; if you couldn't tell, this has been my go-to method for scrounging up cheap, shitty albums to review the last four or five Holiday Seasons. It's getting to the point where I have to make sure I don't pick any up that I've already reviewed in previous posts.

Thisone, however, couldn't be passed up. Jesus H. Christ, justlookat this frickin' guy. That's the most red-facedSanta ClausI've ever seen.

"Uh Oh, children - Santa's made a HUGE mistaaaake."

If he's sober in this picture, I'm anOhioan.

He's got that'oh shit'look in his eyes too - a look filled with shock and regret. To me, that either indicates he just did something sudden and gross in his pants and was unable to do anything about it in the heat of the moment. . . . or else that rabid, baby panda he's got cradled in his chubby mitts just bit him.

This baby panda is the thing of nightmares. It will eat your soul.

(That's thescariestbaby panda I've ever seen, folks.)

Whoever previously owned this album played the holy hell out of it, I'll tell you what. Even after a run through the ol'Spin Cleanrecord cleaning system, it's still scuffed all to hell. It'd be more believable to learn that the previous owner had used this record as a frickin'shovelthan as something to be played on their turntable. The surface noise on this album is so bad I almost threw the record in the trash without reviewing it at all.

But that would have been a waste of a dollar, kids.

Anyway, shitty album art/record condition aside, the arrangements here could be best described as 'cartoon' music, gang. Accordions and xylophones - and lots andlotsof jingle bells - abound,everything'supbeat and cheerful, and it all sounds like circus music.Orthe sort of thing you'd hear in a 1940's cartoon. Nothing here out of the ordinary, I guess, considering this is achildren'salbum after all.

Have I heard better? Sure, absolutely. Is it bad? Meh. . . 'bad' might be a stretch.

It'snotgood, but, then again, I'm not one to rock out to children's music, I'm definitelynotthe target demographic here. That being said, I can easily think of, like,two-dozenChristmas albums that were geared towards children that had more 'child-appropriate' singers than this release. The male singer that takes the lead on most of the songs on this album sounds like a mix betweenGlenn Yardbroughand a stuffy, pompous banker type in an oldLooney Tunes(like thatBugs Bunnywould repeatedly mess with throughout the course of an old cartoon short.)Notthe best vocal option for a children's album, in my opinion, but hell - what do I know? This is a children's album, and I'm 25 years old.

There'snoartist credits on this album to be found anywhere, so we'll probably never know who this sub-par vocalist is. But, taking into consideration the catalog of other record label titles advertised on the back of this album (instead of artist/band credits,'from our house to yours'messages, etc.), I think it's safe to assume that this singer was most likely just company 'talent' that was brought into the studio for an afternoon of singing kids' Christmas songs. He probably makes appearances on the label's obligatory Country/Western albums, Polka albums, and a few of those 'Cherished Favorites' compilations of some kind, too.

. . . that, or he works in the mail room and just happened to be passing by a board room when a couple big-wigs asked him if he knew how to sing at all.

Who's to know.

There's also a female singer who takes lead vocal duty on a couple tracks (usually she just chimes in on some of the choruses here and there as a background singer.) She's a click above the male singer, as far as children's music from the 1950s goes. Gives off some strongAngela Lansburyvibes. So, you know. . . ifthat'syour thing. . . .

Then, out of left field,justwhen you've been lulled into a false sense of childlike security by two, full sides of this kiddie circus album -BAM- the album producers drop a spoken word poem on your ass.

It certainly feels out of place, even on a bizarro Children's album like this one. To make matters worse, as the poem goes on, they start incorporating cartoon-y sound effects - window shutters opening, reindeer hooves on a roof, etc. - and background begins to swell. This, I assume, was included in order to inject some 'yuletide flare' into the famous Christmas poem. The result from the combination of this musicandthe guy's voice sounds like this would be far better suited for a 1950s educational film teaching children about how crayons are made in a factory.

In conclusion, when in doubt, feel free to leave off adding poetry to one's Holiday albums.

atNovember 24, 2024

Labels:'40s,cartoon music,Children's Christmas Music,Christmas,Christmas Records,Circus,drunk,Here Comes Santa Claus,Holiday vinyl,panda,poetry,spoken word,The Holidays,Twas the Night Before Christmas

Kids, I've had thisdouble-LP release on my list for years.

Years.

I took one look at the track list on this this thing and realized it wasn't something that could be realistically passed up. Alas, seeing how it was out of print I wasn't thrilled with payingAmazon'sexuberant, post-Covidprice. Eventually, over the summer, it dipped down to like$22and I pulled the trigger on it. Sadly it'snotpressed on colored vinyl - which would have been a nice, if not trivial, bonus.

Considering most of the songs on here are well-known, I figured the easiest thing to do here is lean hard into those tracks on this album thataren'tseasonal favorites. I mean, at this point in the grand scheme of things, what more amIgoing to say about Brenda Lee's 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree?' Who the hell am I to comment on something like that?

Some random guy dying on some random hill in some obscure corner of theWorld Wide Web,that'swho.

So, taking this into consideration, I'm going to break each of these four sides down one at a time and introduce you to some of the Holiday jams on here that you may or may not have heard. . .

Theinner record sleevesfor this release are pretty fancy, too.

Disc 1, Side A.

They come out of the gate strong with the first two songs, no question there. ButTrack 3pumps the brakes pretty damn fast. This whole compilation is definitely themed, showcasing Christmas standards from the40's-60's. You have a whole splattering of familiar faces (looking at the track listing on these four sides, you can see who I'm talking about), butthenyou're presented with a handful of 'filler' artists that were probably label rank-and-file back in the day.Paul Ankais one of these guys.

Paul himself doesn't soundallthat bad (for a '50s teen idol, I guess), but his backup singers - who introduce 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' and then make weird little appearances throughout the following minutes - are really,reallybad. You know that old elementary school taunt/chant,"So-and-so and so-and-so/in a tree/K-I-S-S-I-N-G"?That'sessentially their delivery, except it sounds like the whole gaggle of hens got into a box ofFranziaand had their way with it.

Billy Fury- who, honestly, sounds like he should be aG.I. Joeinstead of a '50's crooner - isn't one I usually associate with Christmas, but 'My Christmas Prayer' is decent. I can't find any fault in it, really, but I've never heard this song before and I'm pretty sure I know why: this is97%'50s teen ballad and3%Christmas. If it weren't for the jingle bells playing softly in the background, andmaybehalf a dozen mentions of 'Christmas' and 'Snow' in the lyrics, you wouldn't think this was a Christmas song. If you were driving around in your car and this was in the background, you'd probably never know.

'Blue Christmas' wraps up the end ofSide A, but for whateverf***ingreason the geniuses behind this compilation decided to pass on the quintessential version done by Elvis, opting instead forBobby Vee. Bobby is to Elvis asThe Chad Mitchell Trioare toBob Dylan.'Are they both folk artists?' Yeah, sure. But one of them isBob frickin' Dylan, and the others can be found collecting dust in your local Goodwill. While the arrangement itself isn't bad objectively, whoever recorded this dual-layered Bobby's vocals terribly, so it sounds like he's singing with his twin instead of just boosting his own vocals.

So likeThe Proclaimers, if you will. But only they're a Chad Mitchell Trio-tier act covering a Holiday staple done by someone far superior.

Disc 1, Side B:

Everysong on this side is a Holiday banger. Every. Last. One. You've heard 'em all, they're great.

Move along, folks.

Disc 2, Side C:

This one defies all rational thought: who in their right mind would include 'Rockin' Robin''on aHoliday album?

When I first spotted this on the track list, I thought to myself,"Well, maybe they recorded analternateversion, where the lyrics are adjusted slightly to make it Christmas-y. And maybe they added jingle bells or something."

Nope.

It's thesameversion you've heard your entire life. Did they throw it in there just because therestof the album is mostly '50s music? I didn't know folks coulddothat, just throw whatever songs you want onto a Holiday compilation.

I really like Led Zeppelin's 'Good Times, Bad Times' but I'mNOTabout to dump it into one of my Holiday playlists. Good f***ing Lord.

Pat Boonehas never been one of my favorites, but his version of 'Here Comes Santa Claus' is easily over-looked. Not stupendous, but meh - it's unoffensive filler that's easily overlooked if not short in duration.

Bobby Veecloses out yetanotherSide with yetanotherlackluster version of a song donesoooomuch better by so many other performers in existence. It boggles the mind why the producers of this compilation leaned so hard intothisguy.

Seriously. They couldn't pull the trigger on anotherSinatraorBingsong? Those guys areBOTHalready in this compilation, and their versions are leaps and bounds above this one.

So, after listening to four sides of this jam-packed, Holiday compilation, I'mnotregretting this purchase at all. Odd music selections aside - and damn, some of those were really,reallyweird - I will give the producers props for creating a compilation that flows incredibly well. This era in Christmas music was perfectly captured in this release, and, while some of it could have definitely been stricken in favor of other (better) versions, this stands as worthy addition to one's Holiday collection.

. . . . seriously, though - 'Rockin' Robin.' I mean, c'mon.

atNovember 22, 2024

Labels:'40s,'50s,'60s,Billy Fury,Bobby Vee,Christmas Records,Holiday,Holiday vinyl,Pat Boone,Paul Anka,Rockin' Robin,Winter Wonderland

I havenoidea whoJohn Schneideris, but based on the photos of homeboy on the outer sleeve, he's eithera.)a Mormon missionary,b.)a Christian singer, orc.)a German pop star.

(If we're going with 'c' on this one, the titleWhite Christmastakes on a notable,Third Reichsorta vibe.)

There's not a lot of information to gleam from these two photographs, and not much in the text to to give this guy much of a backstory (no'From Our House to Yours'cheesiness to read through, no message from the producer). I could probably look up who this guy is onWikipediaor whatever, buuuut I don't feel like opening up another tab right now.

Whoever he is, the production value on this album is pretty good. Like there's a legit band here, not some random asshole playing one of those keyboards where you can hit a button and suddenly F# sounds like a maraca. The arrangements aremixed well, too-itdoesn't sound like someone's cousin recorded this with home equipment in a local church on a Thursday evening (because we getLOTSof that around here, it seems) - but holy shit, are theyboring.

Schneider totally sounds like, say, an animatedPrince Charming. All pure and innocent, with a hint of whimsy and a dash of heroic bravado (not that Prince Charmings ride into battle at the head of great host or anything, they're usually just gallivanting through a forest in tights - not sure why they even bother strapping on a sword.)

Listening to him sing, the guy's over-annunciation gives the impression that he's the sorta guy that doesn't know how to use contractions when speaking. No highs or lows in the vocals, no swagger or gun powder in the delivery, no over-the-top brashness like you often times get with those church-y Christmas singers. No conviction at all, really - just a guy singing words off a lyric sheet in a studio and collecting a paycheck.

Thisis how a guy laying down tracks for aDisneycharacter would do it - Schneider's probably moonlightingproviding vocals for the love interest onCinderella's Christmas Album.

He's not aterriblesinger, I guess, but he's far from what I'd call 'pro' level. You know when you go out to a bar and when you walk in you notice there's people singingkaraoke? And eventually a bunch of drunks drag one of their reluctant friends up on stage and, after a few moments of obligatory 'modest protesting,' the friends starts singing, and he's likesurprisinglygood? You're like,'Oh damn, this dude can actually sing.'Know what I'm talking about?

Well, that's based on thecivilian scaleof singing ability, folks - like when you see an actress on TV and are all like,'She's notthathot,'but youknowif you passed her on the sidewalk you'd most likely have a heart attack and shit your pants.

. . . .

We all do it, it's cool. It's not weird.

atNovember 19, 2024

Labels:Aryan,Christmas music,Christmas Records,Holiday vinyl,Holidays,John Schneider,karaoke,Prince Charming,Record,Vinyl,White Christmas