The Mendoza Line: Heidi Cruz Opens Travel Agency to Help GOP Families Vacation Without a Spouse | San Antonio News | San Antonio

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  • Wikimedia Commons / MaverickLittle (left) and Gage Skidmore (right)
  • “Do you think I would really like to see this chinless, stocky moron on the beach without his shirt?” Heidi Cruz asked during a press conference announcing her new travel agency.

We understand that in today’s political environment it can be very difficult to tell the difference between real reporting and satire, which is precisely why we inform you that the Mendoza Line is a weekly satire work.

Heidi Cruz, wife of Senator Ted Cruz, R-Texas, held a press conference on Monday to announce plans to open a new travel agency for political families like hers who desperately need a getaway without putz.

Heidi’s Heid-Away Adventures will allow elected spouses to use relentless complaints and group discussions to pressure heads of households to take the family on a trip. Then, using carefully placed social media purchases, the agency will shame the chosen one for returning within 24 hours, letting everyone have a good time.

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Heidi Cruz said she developed the concept after the family’s trip to Cancun last week.

“The girls and I knew it would be wrong for Ted if he took the family to Mexico, but we kept asking him anyway,” she said. “It should come as no surprise that he gave in. He doesn’t have a backbone. The man couldn’t even support me when President Trump called me ugly – and I’m sleeping with the asshole.

Heidi Cruz said the biggest challenge her plan faced was making the senator feel compelled to return to Texas as her constituents trembled in their homes without electricity.

“The girls and I were surprised Ted felt enough pressure to come home,” she said. “Usually he doesn’t have any sense of shame. But luckily for us, he listened to what little conscience he had left, and the girls and I were able to enjoy a nice weekend without Ted. I mean , do you think i really want to see this chinless, chunky jerk on the beach with his shirt on? ”

Heidi Cruz said she has been in contact with other Washington spouses, including the wives of Republican Senators Josh Hawley of Missouri, Tom Cotton of Arkansas and Marco Rubio of Florida. The husbands of Reps Marjorie Taylor-Greene of Georgia and Lauren Boebert of Colorado also contacted her.

“You know these poor motherfuckers need a break from the madness,” she said of Perry Greene and Jayson Boebert.

Cruz has also reached the other side of the aisle, extending his services to the families of Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Their spouses are also full of shit,” said Cruz. “They get a majority and the only checks they’ve signed so far are for a deal and a Raytheon budget of $ 285 million to cover the deportation of 26,000 people.” But #BLM, right? ”

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Willie R. Golden